Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. To that end, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter every week to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
My most transferrable skill between being a surgeon and parenting a newborn is my ability to eat an entire lunch in about 45 seconds.
— Ashley Winter MD || Urologist (@AshleyGWinter) January 18, 2023
One thing older parents always say to new parents when you have a baby is “you don’t need a lot of stuff!” and I’m here to tell you this is wrong. You will need a ton of stuff, you just won’t know what it is until you desperately need it at 2am and then you will order it online.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) January 18, 2023
Dropped something off for my son and a kid in his class looked at me and then turned to my son and said “my mom doesn’t have eyebrows like your mom”
— amil (@amil) January 19, 2023
My mom suggested I drive carpool to hear about my teen’s life & now I’m stuck driving around rank raging hormone bags who say things like “did you and Jenny finally [sends text]” and I’m like DID YOU AND JENNY FINALLY WHAT? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHAT?
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) January 17, 2023
The only real parenting hack is to live close to the grandparents
— Peter Yang (@petergyang) January 15, 2023
This morning my son asked me to turn up the lights and his sister said why don’t you do it yourself so I think she’s ready for marriage now.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) January 18, 2023
Before kids: *Slow sips of wine in the bath*
After kids: *Rage drinking morning coffee in the shower*
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) January 16, 2023
My friend said she couldn’t wait to have kids so I went right over, turned on Cocomelon and hid the remote. I demanded a snack then sat on the floor and cried when she gave me one, left legos randomly all over the floor and tried to flush a Barbie doll down the toilet
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) January 14, 2023
A kid at soft play asked about our family, and I told her my toddler had 2 mums. She immediately said “Why not 3?” and honestly it’s a great question, will talk to my wife about it tonight.
— Brona C Titley (@bronactitley) January 16, 2023
Finally, my kid’s egg allergy is paying off
— meghan (@deloisivete) January 15, 2023
Apparently referring to a Girl Scout as your ‘cookie plug’ just gets you dirty looks outside the grocery store
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) January 16, 2023
Kids today are able to text their moms when they need to be picked up. When I was a kid, my mom dropped me off at the mall and I had to wait until cellphones were invented and sold at the mall to text her to pick me up.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 18, 2023
It’s my daughter’s birthday today, so naturally she woke me up at 5 am instead of 6 am to guarantee I was the first one to wish her Happy Birthday.
— Jacana Mommy (@jacanamommy) January 19, 2023
8: Hold that grape while I cut it.
— Momsense Ensues (@momsense_ensues) January 18, 2023
Me, to my 11 yo: What do you want to do for your 12th birthday party in Feb?
Her: I want a Potato Book party
Me: What’s that?
Her: Just something I came up with. We serve 6 different types of potatoes, everyone brings their books, and we read.
— Natali Simmonds/ N J Simmonds (@NJSimmondsbooks) January 16, 2023
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 14, 2023
Is there actually a parent out there setting her alarm 20 minutes before the kids wake up just so she can have hot coffee and peace or is that just a myth like the unicorn or the kid who listens?
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) January 14, 2023
6 pointed out a tree and asked if it was deciduous. I had no idea so I told her it was a swear word and never to say it again
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) January 18, 2023
the best decision i ever made was not buying fancy baby gear-my kids are 6 and 9 and have zero idea that they got pushed around in their cousins old stroller and now i have more money to buy them endless bags of goldfish crackers
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) January 18, 2023
please send well wishes to my teenager after he endured only 15 hours of sleep he was forced to wake up at the crack of lunchtime to do 2 hours of school in his pajamas.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) January 19, 2023
My 5yo asked my 9yo if he was eating spaghetti. My 9yo very disappointed, “it’s rigatoni… learn your pasta.” I didn’t know it was that serious.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) January 18, 2023
Whenever ppl are like “I don’t mind kids in public, I just think parents should teach them to behave” I want to be like do you understand just getting my toddler dressed and out the door already made me cry twice? I don’t care anymore if he’s singing Old McDonald in this Safeway.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) January 17, 2023
People who don’t have kids, what’s it like to go an entire day without someone asking you, “What’s your favorite dinosaur?”
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 16, 2023
I think the reason it’s cloudy is because the sun wanted to sleep longer.
-my 4yo, the meteorologist.
— 3 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) January 18, 2023